Iron Chef Symphonia: Continental Divide
by OkonoMiyagi
Summary: Requested by Moonlight M3lody. Iron Chefs Kobe and Morimoto duke it out in a clash of intercontinental cuisine. But what happens when they are each forced to enlist the help of the two worst cooks in Aselia?
1. Kaga's Devious Plan

**Iron Chef Symphonia: Continental Divide**

**Summary: Requested by Moonlight M3lody. Iron Chefs Kobe and Morimoto duke it out in a clash of intercontinental cuisine. But what happens when they are each forced to enlist the help of the two worst cooks in Aselia?**

**Author's Note: While we're waiting for the votes to come in for the first semifinal of the Aselia Cup, I present you with a new battle: a tag match! This may be one of the hardest battles to stomach (for the panel, I mean, hopefully not for you). The matchup will be announced later, but you'll see why I say it'll be hard to stomach.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of Symphonia, Iron Chef, or any of the characters involved.**

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**Chapter 1: Kaga's Devious Plan**

"Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto!"

"It's the Iron Chef! Morimoto does it again and avoids becoming the first Iron Chef to drop three in a row…"

The man in silver raised his arms in triumph, having sent yet another challenger packing. The challengers here in Aselia, he discovered, were about on par with the nefarious Ohta faction—tough, but beatable. At least they didn't come marching into the Stadium with their banners and uniforms, or even a taiko drum on one occasion, beating on his door to persuade him to go back to the traditional Japanese cuisine. At least here they were respectful of his willingness to throw away the book when it comes to tradition—Martel knows after the Regeneration efforts there was no such thing as tradition anymore. That didn't change the fact that these challengers were increasingly difficult to beat—the Iron Chefs had been facing a bit of a slump lately. Iron Chef Chen had recently had his 7-win streak snapped by a challenger from Asgard, who had seen two of his friends lose against Kobe. "Fish" Sakai, who almost never lost a seafood battle, lost a grouper battle the previous week. Even the Honorary Iron Chefs, who were occasionally called in to battle, were losing to talented chefs. Nakamura dropped two in a row, and Ishinabe suffered only his second loss ever (which wasn't saying much, considering he only battled eight times prior). Even the seemingly invincible Michiba suffered a rare loss last month. This was Morimoto's first win after two straight losses, which helped stop the bleeding a bit.

"You did it again!" Iron Chef Kobe shouted after the cameras stopped rolling, clapping his Iron Chef brother-in-arms on the shoulder. "That looked like a tough one today."

"Jeez, I thought I lost for a minute," Morimoto replied, shaking the younger man's hand. "I mean, come on, cucumbers? What was I supposed to do with that?" The two men laughed.

"Well done, Morimoto-san, on another excellent match," Chairman Kaga said as he approached the two, extending his hand. "I would like to have a word with you in my office in a few minutes. And you too, Kobe-san. Can you spare the time?"

The Iron Chefs nodded, saying nothing more than a simple "_hai_" in response. Kobe and Morimoto looked at each other, confused.

_What the…what could this be about?_

**~料理の鉄シンフォニア~**

"Take a seat, gentlemen," the Chairman gestured as he sat down behind his desk. "Rest assured, this has nothing to do with the recent slump of victories we have been facing lately."

The Iron Chefs still looked at each other with puzzled looks on their faces.

"Now then…if memory serves me right," the Chairman began, "there are two members of the World Regeneration party that are generally assumed to be terrible cooks—you probably know them, Raine Sage and Zelos Wilder. I have an idea in mind, if you would both like to be a part of it."

The two men remained silent, still confused.

"I think it's about time the group stopped suffering from their cooking. So I would like for them to battle in Kitchen Stadium—"

"WHAT?!" Kobe shouted.

"—not against you two…" the Chairman continued, holding up a finger, "…but WITH you two."

Morimoto made to speak, but no sound left his mouth. Kobe still looked outraged.

"You mean you're going to make them cook alongside US? Kaga-shusai, have you lost your mind?"

"Oh no, just using it to…ahem, experiment a little bit," he replied, grinning.

"So when are we planning on doing this?" Morimoto asked.

"Ah, next week. I hoped you would be able to surprise them in two days, when my sources tell me that all members of the group will be at the Wilder Mansion for their annual summer gathering."

Kobe looked at Morimoto in surprise. "Mo, you're crazy! If they're terrible cooks, we're not going to finish anything in that hour! And the panel will DIE from what Raine and Zelos offer them!"

Morimoto smirked. "Hey, if Kaga-shusai can call one of my dishes the worst he's ever tasted and live to tell the tale, I think I can survive wrangling terrible cooks for an hour. YOUR record as Iron Chef isn't that stellar either, Kobe-kun…"

Kobe sighed, knowing he was right—his winning percentage hovered around 67 percent, or so said the Kitchen Stadium statisticians.

"OK, I'll do it," he said begrudgingly.

"Excellent!" the Chairman exclaimed as he ushered the two men outside the studio. "Then I shall put you, Morimoto-san, with Raine, and you, Kobe-san, with Zelos. I shall see you next week."

The two chefs looked on as Kaga disappeared into the streets of Meltokio. Kobe broke the silence, still wondering why Kaga's mind was working like it was.

"What the hell did we just get ourselves into?"

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**Madness, Kobe-san, madness, I say! We'll hear from the Symphonia cast in the next chapter, but for now, consider it done. The match-up:**

**SYLVARANT/ASIA vs. TETHE'ALLA/EUROPE  
Raine Sage/Masaharu Morimoto vs. Zelos Wilder/Masahiko Kobe**

**Ryori no Tetsu-Shinfonia kono ato.**


	2. No, We're Not Kidding

**This is set two days after the previous chapter, focusing on the Symphonia cast. But who else should arrive to interrupt the proceedings than…well, read and find out!**

**I forgot to put in the previous chapter: all characters are assumed to be speaking Japanese unless otherwise noted.**

**Also, the poll on my profile is still open! Go read Aselia Cup and vote for the winner of the Tethe'alla Semifinal. Or don't read and vote for your favorite character anyway. Read, review, and vote please!**

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**Chapter 2: No, We're Not Kidding**

It was a lively afternoon in the Wilder mansion as the World Regeneration heroes prepared for a picnic. In the kitchen, Genis and Regal prepared sandwiches for everyone, while Colette was in the process of making brownie mix. The aroma of said brownie mix found its way over to Lloyd's nose, who would've sneaked a taste test if Colette hadn't turned around at that particular moment and shooed him away. Back in the living room, Raine was caught in a quandary while deciding on what book to take with her. Presea was quite amused, just watching the mad professor from a distance while fingering the keys of the piano. She stole a glance at Genis, wondering if he knew how to play and if he could teach her.

And then, in the middle of her reverie, the predictable happened.

_SMACK._

"Owwwww!" a familiar voice whined. "What the hell was that for?"

Two figures ran back and forth across the upstairs hallway—a red-haired young man ran for his life while a raven-haired young woman, clutching a towel wrapped around her voluptuous figure, chased him with a rolled-up magazine in her other hand.

"STUPID CHOSEN, QUIT PEEKING AT ME IN THE SHOWER!"

The door finally slammed in the red-haired Casanova's face. Only when he heard the click of the doorknob did Zelos Wilder back away, rubbing his face in pain.

Genis struggled to hold back a laugh, nearly dropping the knife he was using to apply mayonnaise to the sandwich bread. "Never gets old…" he muttered to himself. Regal sighed.

"I still don't understand why he hasn't learned his lesson after all this time—and all these beatings," the older man grunted as he returned to wrapping sandwiches.

Meanwhile, Colette had just put the brownies in the oven when she saw Zelos stumble down the stairs in pain. Bag of ice at the ready, she rushed over to him.

"Oh, Zelos, you poor thing, I'm sorry she did that to you—aaaahhhh!"

Colette tripped, tumbling right into Zelos and knocking him onto the stairs. A loud _thud_ resounded through the mansion—he had hit his head on the corner of one of the stairs, and he slid to the bottom of the staircase in a daze. The ice pack had flown out of Colette's hand and nearly knocked Lloyd out cold, but he ducked under the kitchen counter just in time. The swordsman picked up the bag and gave it back to Colette.

"Professor!" he yelled. "We got a man down! He's non-responsive!"

Raine rushed over to the unconscious Zelos, attempting to nudge him awake. She placed a hand on his swollen forehead and concentrated a mana flow into his body.

"First Aid," she cast as a flash of green light enveloped the Chosen.

Zelos sat up, clutching his forehead. "Sheena…" he said, dizzily. "…why do you hurt me so…?" Raine caught him as he almost fell back again.

"Just move him to the couch and let him lie down there," she told Lloyd and Colette. "All he needs now is rest."

Colette's angelic powers made this task easy, and she set him down on a couch for him to recuperate. A few minutes later Sheena had descended the stairs, having changed and dried off, and made her way over to the couch. She smirked as Colette looked at her with puppy eyes.

"I know what he did was wrong…" she began, "…but you nearly killed him…Raine had to heal him just to get him to this state." She placed a cold towel on his forehead.

The red-haired Chosen mumbled in his sleep. Sheena only crossed her arms and turned away from him, making to keep Presea company near the piano.

"OK, everything's ready!" Genis called as he closed the picnic basket. "Let's—ah, wait a minute, Zelos is still knocked out, we'll wait until he wakes up."

Just as everyone resumed their normal activities, the doorbell rang.

"I got it!" Genis shouted as he scampered to the door and opened it, finding two men in colorful chef's uniforms—one in silver, the other in the Italian flag.

"Morimoto-san?! And Kobe-san?!"

"Hello, Genis-kun," Morimoto said, extending a hand.

"How—why—what are you doing here?"

"Chairman Kaga has dispatched us here to help you with preparations for your picnic," Kobe replied. "We thought you could use a little something more than just sandwiches," he said, motioning to a picnic basket he was holding.

Genis ushered them into the mansion and directed them to the kitchen, where Colette was just now pulling her brownies out of the oven.

"Wow, those smell so good," Kobe said as he set the basket down on the counter. "Anyway, Morimoto-san, what were we going to make again?"

"Well, actually, we have a bit of an announcement…is everybody here?"

Genis called everyone to the kitchen (even Zelos, as he had just woken up from his daze a few moments prior) to meet the Iron Chefs.

"We have a bit of news to tell all of you," Kobe began. "We didn't come to make anything for you at all. We are here on behalf of Chairman Kaga…"

"…who wishes that Raine Sage and Zelos Wilder battle in Kitchen Stadium," Morimoto finished. Everyone went bug-eyed.

"What did the Chairman eat that made him come up with THAT?" Genis whispered into Regal's ear. The blue-haired man shrugged.

"But Morimoto-san…" Presea whispered innocently, "…everyone knows the Professor can't cook. And Zelos usually has people to do his cooking for him—the one time we had to taste his cooking it was about as bad as Raine's…"

"Trust us on this, it's not as bad as it sounds," the Iron Chef replied. Presea left him alone, mouthing "He's crazy" in Genis' direction.

"I've always wanted to do this!" Raine shouted, earning her some strange looks from everyone else. Genis mouthed back at Presea, "Ruin Mode…" while shaking his head.

"Well, I've gotta impress my hunnies somehow, right?" Zelos added. "Count me in!"

"All right!" Kobe shouted as everyone else had their faces in their palms. "There's another twist to this battle: you won't be cooking against us, but with us. Raine, you'll be with Morimoto-san, and Zelos, you'll be with me. I still have no idea what the theme ingredient will be, but I imagine it will be something fairly simple. So we'll see you in two weeks?"

"Absolutely!" Raine cried at them. "I can't wait to hear what the panel has to say about my brilliant creations!"

_The panel will be dead before they can say anything about them…_ Genis thought.

"You got it. Just, could we get some ladies on the panel, please? I need somebody to impress."

Morimoto and Kobe laughed, assuring the former Chosen that they would make some considerations. After taking a couple of Colette's brownies (which they thoroughly enjoyed), the two Iron Chefs left, leaving Raine and Zelos with the Chairman's official invitation card. Outside the mansion, the two Iron Chefs burst out laughing.

"Oh man…" Kobe choked. "I could just tell nobody was really looking forward to this one…hahahaha!"

"No chance in hell they'll come up with anything good!" Morimoto coughed, laughing until he cried. Struggling to keep a straight face as he glanced at Kobe, he said to him, walking back to Kitchen Stadium:

"What the hell, let's just play this one up for laughs!"

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**This battle is sounding more dangerous by the minute! Stick around, this will be one of the most hysterical battles you've ever seen in Kitchen Stadium!**


	3. Niflheim's Kitchen

**Here comes the typical pre-show…all involved parties appear to be going insane prior to the battle. What ingredient will the chefs (and the wannabes) tackle this time around? Kyo no tema wa…kore desu!**

**Remember that ==THIS== indicates a music cue.**

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**Chapter 3: Niflheim's Kitchen**

Kitchen Stadium was abuzz on the day of the historic tag match. Young Tethe'allan women who had come to see their hero, Zelos Wilder, put his pride on the line against an Iron Chef filled over half of the seats in the audience. They were giggling excitedly as the kitchens were still being prepared for the battle, gushing at the prospect that the red-haired Chosen would prepare a dish just for them. Meanwhile, the Ancient History Department from Sybak Academy had filled what was normally the challenger's Royal Box, curious at their department chair's recent fascination with (attempted) cooking.

In the other Royal Box, Lloyd and the gang settled into their seats overlooking what was normally the Iron Chef's kitchen, grimaces slowly beginning to cross their faces.

"I don't know about you, Lloyd," Genis said, nudging his friend, "but as we get closer to showtime I'm not liking the prospect of this one bit."

"Yeah, me neither," the swordsman replied with a nervous laugh. "I feel bad for whoever has to judge for this one…they'll have to consider themselves lucky if they make it out of the Stadium alive."

"You gotta feel bad for Morimoto and Kobe, too," Sheena added. "I mean, they're gonna have to put up with the garbage that Zelos and Raine are likely to create, and we're all going to be lucky if Raine doesn't burn down Kitchen Stadium before we're through."

The three of them sighed as they glanced at the closed curtain on the far end of the Stadium, knowing that Raine and Zelos were behind it going on about how brilliant they would look after the battle. The curtain ruffled slightly and a smack and a whine were heard, prompting everyone in the group (except Colette, who was staring at the portraits of the Iron Chefs dreamily) to roll their eyes.

Behind the curtain, Raine and Zelos were restlessly awaiting Kaga's entrance—it was quite obvious the pre-round jitters were setting in.

"Be quiet, didn't anyone tell you it's unprofessional to make a racket before the beginning of a show?" Raine chided. "I wonder what theme ingredient they're going to give us today…I simply must find a way to have my taste complement those of Iron Chef Morimoto!"

Zelos turned his back to the maddening professor and rubbed his cheek in pain, mentally hoping Iron Chef Kobe wasn't as physically abusive. He sheepishly looked over his shoulder at Raine, who was too busy staring off into space.

_I can't have a blemish on my face before I march into Kitchen Stadium…_

**~料理の鉄シンフォニア~**

Iron Chef Morimoto was stretching out his legs backstage before the show, as he felt a little tense knowing he would be teamed up with probably one of the worst cooks in Aselia. Morimoto never took well to losing, especially recently as the Iron Chefs had suffered a long string of losses. The fact that he was to be paired with someone whom Kaga called the worst cook in the world unsettled him; what if Kobe-san's partner was at least competent in the kitchen? What if the theme ingredient proved too difficult for these amateurs? What if they didn't even know how to sauté without burning down the kitchen? He collapsed into a chair, taking a deep breath as he slouched down into it.

"Mo, you're taking this way too seriously," his fellow Iron Chef told him as he emerged from the dressing room. "I already told you, let's just play this one up for laughs."

"Yeah, I know…" Morimoto sighed. "I don't know, I never considered myself a teacher, I don't think I'd have the patience. And with the strict time limit as well…I may be at wit's end during the battle today."

Kobe tossed his prop tomato back and forth between hands. "Oh, relax," he said, patting Morimoto on the back and getting up to board his platform, "they'll be so bad, you'll HAVE to be ridiculous during this battle. I mean, did you see the rest of the gang when we told them that Raine and Zelos would be the ones? They looked like they were going to lose it."

_Lose…hehe, right…_ Morimoto thought.

"One minute until show!" a producer called. Morimoto got up and left for his platform without another word, leaving Kobe wondering why he was still so uptight. The Iron Chef Italian shrugged, thinking no more of the matter as he stepped onto his platform.

**~料理の鉄シンフォニア~**

_IRON CHEF SYMPHONIA INTRODUCTION_

_SPECIAL TAG MATCH_

_RAINE SAGE AND ZELOS WILDER_

_**==TOS TITLE==**_

_ If memory serves me right, we have had many chefs march into my Kitchen Stadium that claim to be the best in the world. Many entered the heat of battle in order to defend their own reputations and their restaurant's pride._

_**==DEEP FEAR==**_

_ However, there have been some that have failed to live up to expectations and have created dishes that…well, were better off left on the drawing board at the beginning of the battle._

_ This got me thinking: suppose we had someone who everyone knew could not cook at all come into my Kitchen Stadium? What will be wrought in those sixty minutes? Surely there is no one this bad to cause Niflheim to manifest itself in the kitchen? I assure you, my loyal fans, I have found not just one, but two._

_ So, let me introduce today's challengers, from the World Regeneration party: now chair of the Department of Ancient History at Sybak Academy, Professor Raine Sage, and former Tethe'allan Chosen Zelos Wilder._

_ Zelos never had the opportunity to learn how to cook, as he was tied to his duties as the Chosen of Tethe'alla. The few times he tried to cook over the course of his time with the World Regeneration party, the group did not like what he had to offer._

_ REGAL: Well, we'll just say that he had the basics down. He always had the right ideas, but his execution was rather poor. His food would either be undercooked or overcooked—burnt, even, on occasion._

_ SHEENA: Zelos was fine in the kitchen, as long as the preparation didn't involve fire. Sometimes I questioned his choices of flavors, though. Things…well, never really meshed whenever he cooked._

_**==BEHIND US==**_

_ Raine, on the other hand, fared much worse with the group; her cooking has become somewhat of a running joke amongst the party._

_ GENIS: Oh, don't even get me started. Given the number of times she's had to cook, it's a miracle she hasn't killed anybody yet._

_ LLOYD: Everyone's always afraid when the Professor has to cook. She even gave Noishe food poisoning once because everyone was too afraid to eat what she made, but Noishe didn't know the difference! Now I know never to trust her cooking._

_**==ON THE TIGHT ROPE==**_

_Yes, this is exactly what I am looking for—two complete amateurs to compete in a tag match with the Iron Chefs. I am very much anticipating the competition that will arise out of this one! I shall enlist the help of the two junior Iron Chefs: Iron Chef Japanese, Masaharu Morimoto; and Iron Chef Italian, Masahiko Kobe. They shall teach these two novices the ways and rigors of the kitchen._

_However, this would be an unfair match-up…so I shall have the challengers and the Iron Chefs battle not against each other…but with each other. I shall explain this bit later._

_**==SHOW ME YOUR FIRETRUCK==**_

_But for now, Raine and Zelos, do not hold back…and let your imagination run wild in my Kitchen Stadium!_

_ ZELOS: This is gonna be cake._

_ RAINE: I'll show you what I can do—just you wait!_

**~料理の鉄シンフォニア~**

Chairman Kaga made his entrance to a chorus of squeals and applause—apparently Zelos wasn't the only one with female admirers in attendance. He paused in front of the ingredient stand and inhaled.

_They already know you are mad…don't sweat it, Kaga…_ he thought.

"Today we welcome two more members from the World Regeneration party," he began, "who are known for their cooking abilities—or lack thereof. It is my wish that they battle alongside my Iron Chefs so that they may learn the ways of a true gourmet chef."

Here Genis snickered, thinking to himself, _Raine's already beyond help._

"Our first challenger has been dedicated to her studies of ancient Symphonian history. Let's bring her on! Sybak Academy's Professor Raine Sage!"

The Professor strode confidently into Kitchen Stadium to applause from the surrounding crowd, taking her place at the challenger's side of the kitchen. She looked up at her colleagues from the academy, who were applauding, and her traveling companions, who had just settled back in their seats. Genis was scowling, thinking this entire time that Morimoto was, for sure, going to lose.

"Of course, we have more than one challenger for this special match today. Let's bring him on! The former chosen of Tethe'alla, Zelos Wilder!"

As the curtain ripped open, squeals from much of the female delegation in the crowd erupted along with applause from the others. Zelos took his time marching down the red carpet to the center of Kitchen Stadium, where Kaga and Raine met up with him.

"Welcome, both of you," the Chairman said, extending a hand. "I hope you learn a lot from this valuable lesson today."

"Thank you, Kaga-san," Raine replied. "I will be sure to do my very best today, and I hope I discover some great new recipes that everyone will love."

Genis and Lloyd struggled to hold back a laugh, while Sheena just shook her head.

"Great new recipes…hahaha, right…" Lloyd whispered. Genis nearly lost it.

"I can't let my hunnies down, can I?" Zelos asked, much to the delight of many of the females in the audience. Sheena, however, was not amused, and clapped her hand to her forehead. Kaga chuckled lightly.

"Now, it is time to call upon your mentors, the pride of the Gourmet Academy—two of the four Iron Chefs. I summon the Iron Chef Italian!"

**==VARIATIONS 22-23==**

The stadium went dark and Kobe's portrait lit up as smoke billowed from the dais. A chef's hat poked out of the floor, and soon Iron Chef Italian Masahiko Kobe ascended into view.

"Making a solo ascent into Kitchen Stadium is Iron Chef Italian Masahiko Kobe, the Prince of Pasta. While the other Iron Chefs have been struggling in wins, Kobe's been on a roll, having won his last three battles. But today, with two amateurs in the kitchen, he'll have to help one of them to get him the win."

Kaga gestured to Raine as he began again, "But of course, you need an assistant as well, Professor. We have arranged for that, luckily. I summon the Iron Chef Japanese!"

**==WINDSHADOW==**

Again the stadium went dark as Morimoto's portrait lit up and he slowly ascended into view.

"Making his own solo ascent is Iron Chef Japanese Masaharu Morimoto, leader of the Neo-Japanese movement. He's not afraid to throw away the book when it comes to tradition, and it appears he'll have to throw the book out entirely in today's battle while training these amateurs—the pressure will be immense!"

The four chefs met at the base of the steps while Kaga made his way back to the ingredient stand. Raine and Morimoto found themselves on the challenger's side of the kitchen, while Zelos and Kobe took the Iron Chef's regular kitchen.

"I thought long and hard about what theme ingredient to give two amateur chefs," Kaga began, "and it was most definitely not an easy task. What would be difficult to prepare improperly? Vegetables are too complex, and fish would be a nightmare. But then something occurred to me: an everyday, household ingredient. It is found in most chickens—ah, oops." He frowned, then without a hitch began again.

"Well, I meant to say in most kitchens. But I'd like for you to learn from this ingredient. And now, I will announce it…today's theme is THIS!"

He ripped the red tablecloth off the ingredient stand, releasing a puff of smoke. The four chefs squinted at what appeared to be something faintly pink, almost white in color. Kobe opened his mouth in realization upon seeing the telltale drumstick.

"Today's theme is…KITCHEN—no, no, no—CHICKEN!"

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**Remember that the Aselia Cup Poll on my profile is still open! The poll closes next week, so vote early and vote often for your favorite character. In the meantime, I'd appreciate reviews for this story as well. The battle follows, hopefully soon!**


	4. Chicken Confront

**What the heck? I had inspiration for this story again?**

**60 minutes of culinary mayhem…will Morimoto and Kobe go crazy trying to keep Raine and Zelos from burning down Kitchen Stadium, or will Raine and Zelos surprise everyone with their cooking abilities? We are set to bang the gong!**

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**Chapter 4: Chicken Confront**

アジア/ シルヴァラント }K{ ヨーロッパ / テセアラ

森本 正治 / リフィル・セイジ VS 神戸勝彦 / ゼロス・ワイルダー

IRON TAG MATCH SPECIAL

CHICKEN CONFRONT

**==YOU GO, WE GO==**

"What an incredible turn of events here in Kitchen Stadium, with challengers and Iron Chefs not battling against each other, but with each other at the behest of Chairman Kaga," Fukui narrated. "Iron Chef Morimoto teamed up with the one some call the worst cook in all of Aselia, while Iron Chef Kobe cooks alongside the former Tethe'allan Chosen who's used to having his cooking done for him. How will these masters and novices handle the pressure of Chairman Kaga's turnabout antics? A deceptively simple ingredient, chicken, is the theme for this one—we are set to get it on!"

Kaga grin was wider than his face as he boomed forth the words that signaled the start of battle:

"ALLEZ CUISINE!"

Raine and Zelos sprinted up to the ingredient stand as the Iron Chefs tailed behind them.

"Heh…good luck," Kobe whispered in Morimoto's ear before walking up next to Zelos. Morimoto chuckled.

"This is already an unusual sight—Kobe's actually WALKING up to the ingredient stand!" Fukui noted.

"Yeah, he hasn't done that since…I think his very first battle," Hattori added.

"No kidding, but he's finally up there as is Morimoto as the four chefs get their paws on today's theme ingredient, chicken…if you're just joining us, unusual circumstances abound today in Kitchen Stadium—we normally get world-class chefs to compete in here, but today Chairman Kaga has hand-picked two chefs many consider to be the worst chefs in all of Aselia to compete not against, but alongside his Iron Chefs. Both sides now carting back their poultry," Fukui added as the chefs were now back in their respective kitchens. Morimoto was already cutting into a chicken, shouting something to the effect of "get moving" in Raine's direction. Zelos and Kobe were discussing strategy back in the kitchen, leaving the commentators puzzled.

"Meantime, Iron Chef Italian Kobe and challenger Wilder discussing strategy on the floor—wonder what they could be talking about?"

"I think it's pretty safe to say that Zelos will be staying as far away from the open flames as possible," Hattori said chuckling.

"Fair enough, we don't want to burn down the whole place," Fukui replied. "And now, let's introduce our guests for today's battle: first, Iron Chef Chinese Chen Kenichi, pleasure to have you in the announcer's booth, sir."

"Thanks for having me."

"Chen-san, would you recommend chicken as a good beginner's ingredient?"  
"Oh, absolutely," Chen replied. "It's so versatile; you can quite literally do anything with it. Yes, there's little elbow room for technical mistakes, but your options for possible dishes are wide open."

"So all we'll have to worry about is hoping the place doesn't go up in flames?"

"Well, I never said that. It's all up to them."

"OK, fair enough, enjoy today's battle. And we also have Iron Chef French Hiroyuki Sakai with us today."

"Hello, great to be here."

"A bit unusual watching from the announcer's booth, isn't it, Sakai-san?"

"Yes, it's very strange knowing that I'll also be tasting as well. It's not something I usually do."

"Well, of course, you're usually the one we're watching! So what about today's theme, chicken? What can we expect from the chefs today?"

"Quite honestly, I don't know what to expect. Morimoto-san is always so very tricky, who knows what he'll come up with. I have a feeling—in fact I know we'll see a pasta dish from Kobe-san. Now as for the other two, well, I just don't know their styles, so we'll wait and see."

"I do that all the time. Please enjoy. And as always, our commentator, Dr. Yukio Hattori."  
"Always a pleasure."

"And a special note for today's battle: each chef is responsible for at least one dish, and each team must come up with a collaboration dish, so we must see a minimum of three dishes from either side. Of course, the courses will still be judged as a whole. Now, back to the action, Chef Sage appears to be cranking up the temperature on a pot of water…what could she be up to here?"

"Boiled chicken, perhaps?" Hattori suggested. "Maybe she'll add something to the water to add more flavor and then add some broken-down chicken later."

"Fukui-san!"

"Yes, from the floor, Ohta, go!"

"About this pot of water, Challenger Sage appears to have no further plans for it other than a pinch of salt."

"That's it?" Sakai questioned.

"Well, these ARE the worst chefs in Aselia we're talking about here…" Fukui deadpanned. "But salt and boiled water—I mean, that's not totally far-fetched, is it?"

"Well, no, but generally you don't _boil_ chicken," Chen added.

As soon as he said that, Raine dropped a whole chicken into the pot, causing water to splash all over the countertop. She jumped back in surprise.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Morimoto barked at her. "Gently, gently! You'll burn yourself if you do that!"

_I__'__m__ not __even __going __to __ask __why __she__'__s __boiling __a __whole __chicken__…_ Morimoto thought to himself as he rushed back to his cutting board, leaving Raine to her madness. _Just __the __thought __of __that__…__ugh.__ Boiled __chicken __is __as __bland __as __hell, __no __matter __how __well __you__ season __it. _The Iron Chef promptly broke down an entire chicken, sliced some pieces off the breast, and threw said pieces onto a frying pan. He shot Raine a dirty look, though the Professor was lost in her madness, waltzing around the kitchen with vegetables in her arms.

Noticing this, Lloyd and the gang simply stared at the culinary-induced insane professor in shock. Genis rolled his eyes.

"First Ruin Mode, now Kitchen Mode?" the young mage mumbled. "Oh, great…"

"Forgive me for saying this," Regal began, "but what the hell has gotten into Raine today?"

"She got to cook," Genis shot back coldly from the other side of the Royal Box. It was very clear that, just five minutes into the battle, the young mage had seen enough.

"I'll…just watch Morimoto-san do his thing," he mumbled thereafter.

On the other side, Zelos sat contemplating the chicken that was currently sitting on the cutting board.

"If I cut here, then I'll cut from the inside and clean out the insides…no, no, that won't work," he mumbled, gesturing with his knife in the process.

"Challenger Wilder thinking more than cooking at the moment…he appears a little confused, don't you think?" Fukui asked.

"I suppose if you don't know how to properly break down a chicken, you'd be doing that too…" Chen sighed. "He'd do well to just cut straight down the middle first…"

The red-haired Chosen lifted the knife high above his head and brought it down with a loud battle cry, making a deep horizontal cut across the chicken. He struggled to get it out, then proceeded to repeat the same process over and over again. The commentators were speechless.

"What…the hell…?" Sakai struggled to say. "He's butchering that poor bird—literally!"

"Does he just not know how to break down a chicken?" Hattori chimed in.

"Fukui-san!"

"What's up?"

"When asked about this lavish display of brute strength that he is displaying here, Challenger Wilder simply shrugged and shot back at me, 'What, you've never seen a guy tenderize a chicken before?'"

"What?" everyone in the announcers' booth shouted. Some of Zelos' female admirers in the audience giggled.

"This is going to be a looooooooong sixty minutes…" Hattori said, obviously exasperated by Zelos's lack of cooking terminology knowledge. "Although maybe he's actually right…by the time he's 'broken it down' enough, it'll probably be tenderized."

"Well, he's giving that bird quite the pounding," Fukui added, "but where will he go from here?"

"Mincemeat pie?" Sakai offered. "The way he's treating that chicken now, I really don't see any other option."

"If he knows what he's doing—which I highly doubt—he just might use it as filling for something else, like dumplings," Chen replied. "But like I said, I personally don't see it happening."

"Well, Iron Chef Kobe looks like he's making some kind of filling over there," Fukui interrupted.

"Ah, either that or he's just got something in the food processor," Hattori retorted. "Although given how fine he's breaking it down, it very well could be."

"Fukui-san!"

"Yes, Ohta!"

"I've got the list of ingredients in the Iron Chef Italian's food processor: raw chicken, shallots, and cabbage—I pried for further details and it appears the Iron Chef is planning on some ravioli, back to you."

"Thanks, big fella, and Ohta's right, there's the pasta dough being rolled out."

"But this early in the battle?"

"Hm, you're right. Maybe he's concerned about the collaboration dish later on…"

"FIFTEEN MINUTES HAVE ELAPSED."

"All right, we're already a quarter of the way through this chicken battle, the Iron Chef Tag Match Special!"

**~料理の鉄シンフォニア~**

In the Royal Box on the Iron Chef's side of the kitchen, the Heroes of Regeneration tried to keep a sense of decorum on their side of the audience. But with the ridiculous displays of horrible cooking talent from both sides (particularly Raine's), it proved difficult to hold in any laughter. Lloyd and Genis in particular let out a hearty guffaw when Raine removed her boiled chicken from the pot with almost thirty-five minutes left on the clock. Not only did said chicken look particularly overdone, it was sopping wet and beginning to flake.

"…and she's putting it on a plate anyway?" Sakai shouted in disbelief.

"Fukui-san!"

"Take it!"

"Challenger Sage has placed her boiled chicken onto a plate and garnished it with a selection of vegetables—I think I can make out carrots, mushrooms, green bell peppers, and pearl onions that were previously marinated in red wine. And apparently this is her take on _coq__ au __vin_, back to you."

At this, Sakai laughed hysterically, saying something that sounded like "That's not even CLOSE to _coq__ au __vin_" in between chuckles.

"Never mind that, she knew how to marinate vegetables?" Hattori asked incredulously.

"Well, just because she dunked them in a liquid and let them sit for 20 minutes doesn't mean she knows how to marinate," Chen retorted. "From the looks of things here, it doesn't look like the red wine did a thing to those vegetables."

"THIRTY MINUTES HAVE ELAPSED."

"And _mercifully_," Fukui heaved a sigh, "half this battle is over, as we swing back to the other side to see…ah, of course, Iron Chef Kobe's pasta machine!"

Upon hearing this, Regal turned his head to glance over at the pasta machine, which—strangely enough—wasn't being operated by the Iron Chef.

_Zelos __is __rolling __pasta?_ he thought. _Has __he __ever __used __a __pasta __machine __before, __number __one, __and__ number __two, __what __would _he _need __the __pasta __machine __for?_

"Noodles as well from Challenger Wilder?" Fukui asked.

"Could very well be, but I'm just impressed he knows how to use the machine!" Chen replied.

Zelos fed the dough back into the machine for another pass, but forgot to cover the dough in flour before doing so. Seeing this, Iron Chef Kobe tried to stop him from turning the crank, but it was too late. About three inches of dough had made their way through the machine before the dough ripped.

"Aw, crap!" Zelos whined. "What am I supposed to do now?"

"Start over, I guess…" Kobe called out as he casually flipped a few pans over. "Or, lose the three inches of dough and continue with what you've got…AFTER YOU'VE FLOURED THE DOUGH!"

"You got it," Zelos replied.

No sooner did Kobe turn around to check on his Italian chicken katsu than a loud scream pierced the air on their side of the kitchen.

"OWWWWWWW! MY HAIR! HELP ME!"

Genis and Lloyd buried their faces in their palms, laughing, while Sheena simply shook her head. Even Raine and Morimoto stopped what they were doing to see what all the racket was about.

The announcers' booth, however, was in hysterics.

"I mean, I know it's not exactly professional of us to laugh at someone else's misfortunes," Fukui managed between chuckles, "but this has to be the worst stroke of luck this Stadium has ever seen!"

The clock continued to tick down as the other three chefs scurried to Zelos's station to attempt to free him from the vice grip of the machine.

"TWENTY MINUTES TO GO."

"Twenty minutes left on the clock as all cooking action appears to have stopped just to get Challenger Wilder out of the pasta machine…" Fukui commented.

"I think it's safe to say the three-dish requirement we established earlier will probably be thrown right out the window," Chen said.

"You can say that again…" Sakai added as he watched the mayhem unfolding on the kitchen floor. Zelos had tried turning the crank in the opposite direction with no success. As Ohta relayed to Fukui the progress each side had made (which, by regular Iron Chef standards, wasn't much), Zelos hollered in pain as Raine turned the crank the right way, feeding his hair further into the machine.

"We might just have to cut it and feed it through the machine…" Morimoto said.

"NO! Not my hair, anything but that!" Zelos screamed. "Can we take the machine apart or something?"

"We could, but then what are we going to do for the rest of the battle with no pasta machine?" Kobe asked. "There isn't much time left, besides. I'm going back to my station—my ravioli's going to be overdone if I hang around here any longer. Zelos, just…good luck."

"Wait, but—ah, damn," Zelos groaned.

"FIFTEEN MINUTES TO GO."

Clearly having had enough of this, Raine snuck back over to her side, grabbed a pair of kitchen shears, and cut off part of Zelos's hair to free him from the machine. There was an audible chorus of female screams.

"…why did you have to do that…?" Zelos said, his voice breaking.

Sheena sighed from the Royal Box. "Raine, why didn't you just leave him there…?"

**~料理の鉄シンフォニア~**

"FIVE MINUTES TO GO."

"Aaaagh!" Raine groaned as her knife slipped, cutting her finger. "First Aid," she cast.

The dishes on both sides were rather sparse. Raine's side had her whole boiled chicken plus Morimoto's Japanese chicken salad, for which Raine was chopping vegetables. On the other side, Zelos barely got his chicken pot pies into the oven not long after getting stuck in the pasta machine. Kobe had chicken ravioli, which he was serving alongside an Italian-style chicken katsu ("katsu-tore," he called it).

"THREE MINUTES TO GO."

"And both sides, clearly under the pressure with just three minutes to go…challenger Wilder, taking out the pies, they look good on the outside, but how will they look on the inside?"

"Are you sure you want us to answer that?" Hattori deadpanned.

"You've got a point there, Doc…meantime, back on the other side, Raine and Morimoto assembling their salad…"

"I guess you could call it a chicken Cobb salad?" Chen surmised. "I mean, look at all the stuff that's in there—hard-boiled eggs, avocado, lettuce, corn, bacon, not to mention the chicken…"

"You're probably right, Chen-san, and they're doing well putting the finishing touches on that one…"

"ONE MINUTE TO GO."

"All right, one minute to go, the final sixty seconds of this special tag match—a lot of us thought the one-minute mark would never come, what with all the mayhem that's unfolded here thus far…"

Morimoto and Raine stepped back from the plating area, hands in the air. They were done.

"THIRTY SECONDS TO GO."

"Thirty seconds left, and Iron Chef Kobe clearly looks under the gun—"

"Fukui-san! Iron Chef Kobe's ravioli was overdone, so he says he's going to have to scrap it."

"TEN SECONDS TO GO."

"Will that mistake be critical for Iron Chef Kobe's side?"

"FIVE SECONDS."

"The final seconds are ticking down…"

"THREE."

"TWO."

"ONE."

"And THAT'S IT! The cooking's done, the Chicken Tag Battle is…OVAH!"

* * *

**You don't normally expect everything to go totally wrong during Iron Chef, but that's clearly what happened here…see if the panel lives to say they tasted Raine's (and Zelos's) cooking in the next chapter, whenever I get around to writing it!**


End file.
